Identity

One thing to consider in college is the importance of a circle of friends. Humans are by nature social creatures but to truly enjoy the college experience one has to learn be comfortable in who he or she is. I have like many people had struggles with worth issues and body image but I have learned that I am human and the human condition in fact affects the entire populous. We are all worth something, if we utilize ourselves and accept ourselves as human but we must accept that we can't change peoples minds only they can change them. I am a prime example of this, I am a stubborn stubborn girl but I accept the validity of others feelings and wishes. I am confident in who I am, not narcissistic but confident enough that I can quit focusing on myself and my flaws. I am confident in my convictions and will stand for what I am, who I am and what I want for my life.

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Cup of Coffee with an Old Friend

I need some Vitamin D

Melting Point Meditation

No matter how much I love chemistry the new development of open lab, which is basically extra time chemistry students have to devote to lab by taking melting points and weighing products and preparing sample vials to turn in, seemed a little excessive to me, but begrudgingly I do  it, and strangely enough I have come to appreciate the obligation. I enter lab stressed and weary and it seems strange even to me, but the calm I feel when I leave is very real. I find it some how soothing to walk into that quiet place, lined in fume hoods. The laboratory  smells faintly of solvents. It has a library like silence and calm. I unlock my drawer and remove a watch glass an organic product is gleaming on its surface. It is 2,3-dibromo-3-phenylpropanoic acid. It is a powdery crystalline substance that a child would certainly describe as fairy dust. After weighing my sample I prepare the sample, tapping the capillary tube on the table top so the glittering powder will filter to the bottom, letting my worries filter to the bottom as I tap tap on the desktop. Then I put the thin tube in the Mel-temp (melting point apparatus) and the then it's time to watch and wait. I stare through the scope and watch the glittering powder. The temperature of the thermometer climbs. Its like waiting for ice to melt seemingly boring but surprisingly relaxing. At about two hundred and nine degrees Celsius it begins to melt and by the two hundred and ten only a clear liquid remains in the capillary tube. Who would have fathomed that in an obligatory open lab I would find a little bit of zen and a break from the stress of college life.

A Cup of Coffee with an Old Friend (based on a dream)

A Cup of Coffee with an Old Friend (based on a dream)

The subconscious mind is an amazing thing. It can take me back to a place I have been before. It helps me find something I have lost or reminds me of something I have forgotten. Through dreams my subconscious mind can speculate the future revisit the past or resolve the present. It can take me to far away places or bring back places that have long since vanished. When I find myself in angst I often find myself transported to a magical place. A person I know lives there. This place is a harbor of comfort and fond memories. It was once a very real place but now it only exists in the expansive landscape of my mind. It is a beautiful place that is nestled in the midst of forest and prairie. It is a quaint little house with tan siding and a wooden front porch. A man resides there that departed from this world nearly three years ago. As I reflect on this dream I will continue in present tense because this place is timeless, unchanging and ever present inside my soul. Entering the dream I find myself  on a gravel drive the stones of the drive are gray and white rounded by weather and time. His red king cab truck is parked in the drive. It is perfectly clean and sparkling. The grass is thick and emerald green. The rectangular garden in the front yard is in full bloom and the air is thick and warm like a blanket. This place is in a state of eternal summer and peace. Two large wizened pines reach toward a clear blue sky. An inviting swing hangs from one of the these large trees. I can smell the clean earthy fragrance of pine as a warm wind  filters through the giants' needles. I am sure I can hear a wind chime somewhere mixing with the hum of the breeze. I walk toward the old wooden porch and ascend the three steps. I cover the porch is four strides, and enter the house through a screen door. The front room is dark but I can see a light emanating from the hall. Through this hall I enter the kitchen. He is sitting at his table a cup of coffee in his hand, but what strikes me is what is missing. Cigarettes are absent as are his glasses and his tattoos.  he is wearing one of his signature ball caps, his curly black hair curls up from beneath it. His skin is just as brown as I remembered but not as folded and his eyes are a sharp clear green. He greats me with a smile. The skin about his eyes crinkle. He is an old friend. A cup of coffee is waiting for me. I sit and take it in my hand. "Hi grandpa." I say. "Tell me all about it." he says. I tell him about my worries. "School is just so hard. I feel like I don't really have a lot of friends. I want to quit. I just want to give up because I don't think anyone really likes me. I'm no good at school, it doesn't hold my interest anymore. "  he is listening to my words intently and is drinking his coffee. I take a sip of mine. the dark coffee is mingled with cream and sugar and has just the right amount of sugar. It really is the perfect cup of coffee. The warmth warms me the sweat taste cheers me. We sit at the table quietly I think he is contemplating what I have said or we are merely enjoying the raw pleasure of each others company. After he has finished his coffee he begins to speak. " You think no one likes you but I love you. You feel like a failure but I am proud of you. Everything is going to be okay." We sit is silence some more until unanimously we stand and walk to the door. We walk outside slowly and I relish the blanket like warmth. If it were up to me I would stay here forever but somewhere inside myself I know my visit is nearly over.  Grandpa seems to sense this as well. I take a breath of the sweet country air and then we hug. I start walking down the drive. We wave at each other. The dream dissolves but the comfort remains.  I like to think that those words were really his. I know that in death he loves me as he did in life.  A grandpa is there forever.

Clear Sky

There is a place of clear skies, brilliant sun and hot dry air I know.  It is a place I miss dearly. That beautiful arid state that is known for its beautiful wild flowers and cacti. Texas. I can hear it calling me. Last time I went in late March the air was dry but it was alive and green polka-dotted with brilliant hued flowers.  I have finally convinced my mother that it is about time I get to visit my Aunt Joe, Uncle Steve, Aunt Mona and Aunt Christi. It hasn't been decided yet but I am probably going alone and I will probably be taking a Gray-hound bus or Amtrak. I'm excited if I actually get to go by myself I will finally get to experience something as a emancipated adult. 

Volatile Reaction

Just a quick synopsis of how my plan worked out, It didn't. I didn't see him and I didn't stick to my guns either and now I have to deal with  the volatile effect of the experiment.  I did learn that plans take time to implement. If one gets to impatient and unrealistic, the out come of the experiment will be counter intuitive. Let's suffice to say that I made a complete fool of myself and need to be more responsible, The moral of this story a party is not the appropriate reaction vessel for the reaction I'm looking for. I'll get over it and not waste my weekend being stupid and then to deal with what seems like a mol of homework.


Footnotes: A mol is the number 6.022 10 ^23. or approximately 6 followed by 23 zeros.

Party Molecule

Friday February 10th 2012

Party Molecules

I have dealt with my scholarly obligation and there is a plan I must set into motion. I have been absent from the dating scene for a long time, and chemistry has taught me a very real lesson about the chemical kinetics  of setting a relationship in motion. Physical chemistry (in the relationship sense) is derived from a certain compatibility, but the reactants (people) can not form chemical bonds (relationships) if they do not have sufficient energy (enthusiasm) and do not come close enough to react (get to know each other). So I have a plan. I can not react or form a chemical bond from inside my self-inflicted vacuum of  scholarly endeavors, therefore once in a while I'm going to have to leave my vacuum and get to know some other molecules. I am going to have to gain sufficient energy to become a party molecule. Just to make this clear I have my eyes on a specific molecule and by going to this party I just might see him. Lets see how it goes.